vendredi, octobre 09, 2009

The Hamburger-Nightmare

When I arrive at Basel, I must go on with all the things I planned, like shop for my Drawing tools and all the special  tasks I do there and seldom elsewhere.
No time to relax or eat until late afternoon. But going in town with an empty stomach? This isn't good either. So when I arrived at Basel this week, Mom had a surprise for me:
She handed me over a Hamburger. A regular Big Mac!

I didn't had a burger for more than a year now. My Diet, you know. So this was rather weird.  Ever thought about the calories that thing is stuffed with?

Since Mc Donalds now displays the energy-value of their products, I had a look at the side of the box: 499 cals. Holy crap! Bet its 500 anyway, they just thought that 400-and-something sounds better than 500.

I never really was addicted to burgers like some others are, but I used to gorge them very quickly when, occasionally, I had one in my hands.
What seemed so normal back then scares the hell out of me now. « Eat it. You won't wake up tomorrow and weigh 130 kilos » said my mom.

Hell, of course I will.
The dark side of successful weight loss: The thinner you get, the more paranoid you become.
« Eat it, it won't blow up your diet! » Yeah. It starts with one burger and it ends with 10 burgers and five pounds of chocolate a day.
A Burger for a dieting person is like a big bottle of Whiskey for a dry alcoholic.

But the struggle was far more complicated than that. I mean, me and a Hamburger – this doesn't fit.
It may have once, with Diana R. Sassé, who didn't care much about her image or style, since nobody liked her anyway – but it definitely doesn't go with Diana Kennedy, who just built up some self-esteem recently.

Strange, how a little box stuffed with a piece of Junk-Food can cause an Identity Crisis.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? Can I eat that shit safely or will it cast me back into somber times I better don't want to recall? Is this Satan testing me?
So what to do? Go hungry into town or eat it?
I asked JFK in my mind.
"Eat that shit and then forget it" he said.

I ate it.

It tasted far lesser good than I remembered it would. The beef had a heavy, greasy and fatsy backtaste. Hell, first beef I ate in almost 2 years! Really don't miss it. All while eating, I got angry over myself for wasting 500 calories for this nasty stuff.

Later in town, it all of a sudden looked to me like they are some fast-Food Restaurants at every corner. I never noticed them until that day, because they were not part of my life. Now, I felt myself trapped in some sort of Burger-Siege!
One fast Food shop even had an “all you ca eat” offer. How gross!
They probably can do this only because Rush Limbaugh lives on the other side of the ocean and won't come over to ruin them. In order to profit from “All you can eat” offers, You have to eat at least two big burgers. So this literally tempt people into gluttony! Disgusting!

I thought to myself: With so much fast-Food even in little towns like Basel, it's no wonder that People get fatter. In the other hand, there are lots of thin Folks visiting these Restaurants, too. Either it's their first time and they will weigh the double in six months, or its their annual visit and they will perform a hardcore sports week in a boot-camp afterwards.
Maybe there's also something wrong with the theory, that fast-Food will make you fat.

All while I walked trough the street and had those thoughts, I never missed a Shop-Window in which I could mirror myself, in order to check if I was still thin. When people looked in my direction, It was like a lightning striking me: They can see it! They see that I ate a Burger and now think that I am a gross, fat, junk-food gorging bitch! It was so horrible.
back at home I went into the bathroom and examined my Body at the mirror. Are these bones I spotted this morning still there? Or already covered with fat again? Fuck, I was so happy because I was starting to have real skinny shoulders and now?
I didn't dare to climb on the scale since. Not before I had a week of hardcore Cycling to get that damn Burger out of my body!

Long running Diets may do your body good, but it certainly has high risks for your mind.

6 commentaires:

Sefarina a dit…

Wow, ich weiß was du meinst, und ja, es grenzt an Geisteskrankheit. Als Vegetarier esse ich sowieso keine Burger, aber Pizza schon ;-)

Ich kann mir so eine strenge Diät gar nicht vorstellen, dafür koche ich zu gerne (auch Sündhaftes), aber aus Zeiten der Pubertät kenn ich noch zu gut das Kalorienzählen *stöhn*

Pass nur auf, dass das Abnehmen nicht zur Gewohnheit wird ;-) Irgendwann ist aufhören sonst schwieriger als weitermachen...

Liebe Grüße, Sefa

Diana Kennedy a dit…

Ja, ich fürchte, es ist längst Gewohnheit, mein Arzt meinte letztens auch, dass ich psychisch schon nahe der Magersucht sei. Wie ich dann aufhören soll, wenn es soweit ist, weiss ich echt noch nicht. Aber noch können ja einige Pfunde runter, dann sehen wir weiter.

Sefarina a dit…

Abnehmen ist eine Sucht, vor allem wenn die Pfunde purzeln. Die Anerkennung, die schicken Klamotten, die Kritik am eigenen Körper, das zwanghafte Rechnen und Vergleichen...

Auch wenn du noch ein paar Pfunde Luft hast, versuch früh genug von Diät zu einem normalen Essverhalten zu kommen und lieber dann nur noch gaaanz langsam und mit Pausen runterzukommen, sonst ist es ein freier Fall.

Liebe Grüße, Sefa

Bodecea a dit…

Es wäre schade, wenn du dir irgendwann die Kreativität abhungerst - das Hungern ist ein großes böses Monster, und irgendwann nimmt es allen Raum in den Gedanken ein, wenn man es wachsen lässt. Und das wäre von dem, was ich bisher von dir las, echt schade.

Ich wünsch dir gesundes Essen mit weniger Drüber-Nachdenken!


Diana Kennedy a dit…

@Bodecea: Schon richtig, die Scheiss-Hungerei nimmt irre viel Raum ein und das mehr als mir lieb ist. Ich möchte über dieses eklige Thema im Grunde überhaupt nicht nachdenken, aber im Moment ist das halt so, vorallem, weil ich wieder in einem Abnehme-Stillstand stecke, da kreisen die Gedanken wieder verstärkt darum.

Vergiss nicht, dass ich wirklich EXTREM adipös war und der massive Gewichtsverlust daher schon ein grossr Segen. Jetzt bin ich nicht mehr adipös, aber auch noch nicht richtig schlank, ich stehe sozusagen vor den Toren der Schlankheit und möchte halt gerne hindurch.

Bodecea a dit…

Huhu Diana,

ich kann's gut nachvollziehen. Wenn du msgst, mail mich mal an: Bodecea[ätt]

Alles Liebe